Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert was so successful as a store mannequin, he decided to expand his horizons and move into the exciting world of crash testing. Once again putting his absent stare to good use, Ebert had an uncanny ability to convince automobile manufacturers to go ahead and put a car on sale to the general public no matter how poor the crash test results were.

Eventually Ebert was relieved of his duties as a crash test dummy in the late 1960s, after several hundred Americans died due to numerous faults in new vehicles being released at the time. Ebert became depressed and made numerous attempts on his life by standing near open fires, sitting in hot tubs and spending extended periods of time in the outdoors under the harsh midday sun, however Ebert felt that he still had a great deal to give to this world and could never quite manage to go all the way. It is rumoured that this period of attempted suicides lead to the drooping of the wax around his jaw and general facial region today.